Archive for the 'The Laugh Barrel' Category

This is tooooo good not to share. I don’t know ANYONE that hasn’t felt this way at some point. It’s too bad this isn’t a working model. The first company to come up with one will make a fortune. Who knows, maybe it will be a tax deductible gift!

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!  THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER’S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! 

 13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. POOR MEN SUCK

12. PACK MY STUFF

AND MY FAVORITE ONE

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

 Enjoy with caution!

   Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, ‘but in just a few months, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later she became his stepmother. 

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 Winner in perpetuity:

    For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself andsuccessfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico where she purchased thecoffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it betweenher knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

7TH PLACE:

     Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:

     Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:

     Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of  anguish. Keep scratching. There are more…

4TH PLACE:

     Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because  williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr … Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:

     Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there;  There are only two more Stella’s to go…

2ND PLACE:

     Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000… oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

     This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control  at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor  home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

  ”If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.”
  -Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress….
But then I repeat myself.
   -Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
   -Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
   – George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money.
   -G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what
to have for dinner.
   -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.
   -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
   -P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live
at the expense of everybody else.
   -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it, and if it stops moving, subsidize it.
   -Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
                -Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now; wait until you see what it costs
when it’s free!
   -P.J. O’Rourke
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics
won’t take an interest in you!
   -Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
   -Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
   -Unknown
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
   -Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The
inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
   -Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
   -Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill
the world with fools.
  -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
   -Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
   -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to
take everything you have.
   -Thomas Jefferson

Reproduced from parmsplace.com