Archive for the 'The Laugh Barrel' Category

 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’ So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

Well said.

Only on Valentine’s Day… At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend-a da money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.”

Luigi proudly replied, “I’m a-gonna go and get her.”

Ever wonder what happened to the kid from Mad Magazine?
 

Well now you know

‘Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.’
 
‘The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’
 
‘The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.’
 
‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.’
 
‘I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.’
 
 ’The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.’
 
‘Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.’
 
‘The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.’
 
‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.’
 
‘Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.’
 
‘Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.’
 
‘No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.’
 
‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.’
 
- Ronald Reagan

Are you ready for some football?

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha.  I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”